My Happy Ending
by NeverThink
Summary: Dr Cox is at an all time low. Lower than low. Rock bottom. Newbie needs to come to the rescue and quick before something really bad happens... oh wait... too late.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey, guys. Sorry for giving up on My Adjustment, but reviewers just weren't biting and seem as though they are my muse, I decided to go with another approach. So... here's my latest concoction. A Cox/JD fic with no slash, just heart-warming and angsty fun. Enjoy! xxxNTxxx**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Scrubs nor any of the characters – which really is a shame, ain't it?**_

_**A/N: It will switch between POV's but I will label accordingly. Thank you! x**_

Perry Cox

An onset of physically draining emotions and depleted reasoning; a road that was seemingly leading to nowhere except a more hellish reality. Looping from one parallel to the next, never staying, never leaving and never enjoying the company that may follow. One minute he was being tortured by his lovely ex-wife for reasons unknown – although for the most part the reasons were relatively clear, just not acceptable as proper – the next, he was swirling back into the depths of Sacred Heart, a place that knew no bounds of his lapsing state. People died there, good people whom Perry was supposed to be looking out for. People in his care, who trusted him, needed him. They died. And those that did not die would eventually grow old and sick, as his pessimistic brain realized one day at Coffee Bucks whilst he stared soullessly into an empty cup. These two worlds, which sometimes would collide, were killing him.

Slowly but surely, they were killing him.

He knew that one day, he would have to break free of these challenging cages. He would have to fight for freedom, for solitude and isolation. He was sick and tired of seeing the same faces, day in, day out. The same stupid grins, overly-excited voices and crappy doctoring. Perry would've liked to ring the neck of a few of them, to really see what would happen if he was arrested for murder. Perhaps in prison he'd get the quiet-time he'd always dreamt of. Although, he'd end up having a cell mate. And God knows he'd want to kill him too.

So prison was not an option. Where could he find a place that was silent, lonely and that would get him the hell out of here?

**XXXXX**

John Dorian

"Dude, check this out! Rowdy means 'Loud and spirited'."

JD and Turk were goofing off during one of those rare days at work where there wasn't much to do. They had been on the internet searching symptoms to try and help out Mrs Creek in room 202, but had eventually got bored and decided to go onto the 'Name Meanings' website to see what different wonders they could find. Even Carla looked over every now and then from where she was working at the nurses' station, just to see if there were any funny ones.

"That is so cool!" Turk exclaimed. "What was yours again?"

"Something to do with God," JD shrugged. "And yours was something to do with Christ. It's like your my son!"

"Totally awesome!"

"Guys, you know that's a load of crap." Carla frowned. "But whatever. Hey, what does my name mean?"

"Typing now..." JD's fingers were all over the key board. He clicked enter and then read. "Carla, from the Latina meaning of 'Strong One'."

"Well that's a given," Dr Cox growled as he was walking past. He stopped and propped himself against the desk by his elbows. "What are you two girls doing when you should be, you know, doing your jobs? I mean, Jesus..."

"That's me." Turk smirked. "Christ at yo' service."

"Oh dear God!"

"And that would be me." JD swivelled around in the wheeled chair. "You wanted something Perry? Ooh! Perry! I am _so _looking that one up."

"So this is what hell is like, huh?" Dr Cox looked to the ceiling. Carla rubbed his arm apologetically.

"You should know, you've worked here for years." She replied, laughed and went back to work.

"Percival, from the French meaning of... piercing the valley?" JD's face scrunched up. "What does that mean?"

"I do not know, I do not care." Dr Cox growled. "Now shut that damn thing off, Kori, and get on with looking after your patients."

"Kori, from the Greek meaning of 'Girl'."

"Now that's about right."

"Dude," Turk raised an eyebrow. "That's just unlucky. I gotta go get me a spleen out now, so I will see you nerds for lunch. B to the Y to the E, y'all."

"Black man lingo. Perfect." Dr Cox seemed to grapple with his knuckles as Turk left and then dropped his head onto the side. JD didn't think much of this at first - until five minutes later after he'd finished logging out of the computer and his mentor was still stuck in the same position.

He looked around a couple of times and then poked Dr Cox's head. There was a low, guttural noise that made him jump.

"Leave him alone." Carla interrupted the moment. "He always gets like this and never wants anyone's help. Trust me, Bambi, I've been there."

"Is this like that time he dragged me out of the apartment to that bar?" JD asked, all the while glancing between the Latina woman and the sleeping beast. "I don't wanna be talking to girls in my onesie again."

"As long as you stay away from him, you'll be fine."

**XXXXX**

At lunch, JD was telling Elliot all about the awesome day he'd had with his patient, then with how he finally managed to figure out what was wrong with her, and then about how cool name meanings could be. He left out the part where he was yet again referred to as a girl not only by Dr Cox, but also by the Greeks. She wanted to know what her name meant, but he didn't want to say. Turk decided to tell her anyway.

"It means The Lord Is My God." He smiled. "Which I think is super-awesome because-"

"Err, because he's a Christian, of course!" JD cut in nervously.

"No, dude, remember? Because it was an English name for-"

"Yes! And the English are way cool!"

"No!"

"Guys, just tell me!" Elliot complained. "God, this is like the time I was in high school and everyone knew something about me but wouldn't tell me, and the rumors spread all the way to Maine! Everyone was laughing at me behind my back and I still, to this day, have no idea what they were talking about. Even my best friend didn't tell me and this is exactly the same, JD, you're the friend and you're not telling me!"

"Okay, okay, don't get all… _you_, on us." Turk calmed her down. "Can I tell her please?"

"Fine." JD folded his arms. He looked beyond his two friends to the table in front of them, and noticed that Dr Cox was sitting alone. That wasn't the strange thing, however. The strange thing was that he was face down on the table again. He was unmoving – it didn't even look like he was breathing.

"So basically the site said it was a male name," Turk was laughing. "It's not even unisex!"

"That's not funny," Elliot frowned. "It's not even interesting. You guys suck."

"Hey, I think there's something wrong with Dr Cox." JD bit his lip and pointed. "Is he even breathing? Elliot, poke him."

"Eww! I am not poking him."

"Get over yourself and just do it!"

"No. He's always so mean to us, why should we help him out?" She scrutinized. "He's probably just angry at an intern or something. He gets like this all the time."

"Yeah but this is different…" JD sighed. No one wanted to hear of it.

**XXXXX**

It had been a half hour since lunch, and JD hadn't seen or heard from Dr Cox since then. He was really starting to get worried, no matter how many times everyone else told him to shut up about it. Carla said things like 'it's usual' or simply 'it's just Dr Cox'. Turk didn't even bother, he just waved a dismissive hand and walked away at the mention of the conversation turning that way. Elliot shrugged and told him she was busy with her own problems. JD suddenly felt like no one actually cared about Perry in this hospital. So it was time to sort this out once and for all.

He decided to page his mentor. When no one replied, he paged him again. Still, no one replied. And then, finally on the third try, something did happen. Someone paged back. It said to go to the ICU, but the pager number was not Perry's. It was Elliot's. JD sighed – he didn't feel like dealing with patients today! He just needed to know that his friend (could he call him a friend?) was okay and then he'd feel much better.

He trudged up to ICU and went straight to the room that he'd been called to. Elliot was there, holding two pagers. She looked upset about something.

"What is it, Elliot?" JD asked, exasperated. And then he looked down at the bed where the patient was laid, pale-faced, with various breathing apparatus.

It was Dr Cox.

_**So what did you think? Review, and you will be feeding my muse. No pressure or anything. :P **_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Alright chapter 2, here we come. Now, guys, bear with me because I had to do a lot of research to get this right. I want it to be as realistic as possible. Thanks to Kiwi-Satsuma, HouseOfScrubs, Peedi, izzabella11 and Faust's' Oblivion for nice reviews : ) Enjoy! xxxNTxxx_**

John Dorian

JD could do nothing but stare down at the sleeping beast. The breathing was almost rhythmic in his ears; it was suddenly the only noise he could hear in the entire hospital. All beeping, coughing, talking and footsteps were muted so that the only thing he could concentrate on was the sound of Dr Cox's breath, in and out, like a lullaby. During this strange day dream, JD found that his own breathing became in time to that of his mentor's, so that he may feel the pull and strain it had on his own lungs. It wasn't until Elliot snapped her fingers in his face that he began to get back into his normal system, and hear the hospital noises once again.

"What... what happened?" He whispered, unable to take his eyes off of the body before him. Dr Cox looked old now, old and tired. His arms were straight by his side, one hand with a needle poking through the veins and clear liquid feeding through the tube. His eyes were closed, but underneath they were moving constantly. This was a relief – most people's eyeballs move whilst their sleeping, and the common, naturalness of this made JD almost smile. So things weren't completely at a loss, right?

"We don't know for sure," Elliot began to explain in her low voice, which indicated that bad news was about to be delivered. "Someone found him in the cafeteria, and it turned out he was sleeping. When they woke him up, he didn't know where he was so they paged me. JD, he was slurring, and he couldn't even stand up."

"I don't understand." JD swallowed. He glanced up at Elliot for a split second and then continued to stare at Dr Cox's chest as it moved up and down. "Was he drunk?"

"He got really aggressive when we asked him how he was," She croaked. "He said that he was just tired and that he was drowsy all day, and that we should just leave him alone. When we wouldn't, he got depressed and angry. He threw up all over the table and then..."

"Then what?" JD asked quietly. When no answer was conceived, he looked up sharply and raised his voice. "Then what?"

Elliot's brow furrowed and she bent her middle finger back in nervousness. "He went into Cardiac Arrest so I gave him CPR and put him on Basic Life Support. We can tell now that he also has hypotension."

JD's face fell slightly. He was hoping that it wouldn't be as serious as this. "I see. Well... thanks, I guess. But why did you page me?"

"Because you kept making his beeper go off, I couldn't just ignore it." She shrugged. "And you were really worried about him before, it's the least I could do to let you know that he was okay."

"Okay?" JD spluttered. "Elliot, the man nearly died!"

"And I'm sorry!" Her forehead creased, yet she stayed focussed. She came round to JD's side of the bed and grabbed his hand to squeeze. "We've sent his bloods down to the lab, so we'll get a clearer picture soon but, JD... it sounds like signs of an overdose."

"Overdose?" JD snatched his hand away from her at the sound of that word. "Overdose of what?"

"I don't know. The results will reveal any foreign substances in his body, you know that."

"Well, you must be wrong." He stammered, the words cutting into each other with every syllable. He looked down at Dr Cox again, and remembered how snappy he'd been with him and Turk when they were on the Name Meanings site. He'd seemed fine. "He wouldn't do that, I know he wouldn't, and he hasn't shown any signs of-of-of- of depression, or-or anything."

"I'm just telling you how it is." Elliot shrugged and wrote on the chart before placing it on the end of the bed. "You can ask him when he wakes up. Until then, don't shoot the messenger. And check his chart if you want to, maybe you'll find a history or something?"

"Nah, nah I-I can't." He bit his lip. "I need to talk to someone about this, someone who doesn't know so I can get a better diagnosis."

"JD, I-"

"No, Elliot, just no!"

JD stormed out of the room. He didn't want to believe that Elliot was right in thinking that Dr Cox had overdosed on a drug, because that wasn't in character. Just this morning – this morning! – he'd been his perfect self. He's shouted at him for being a girl, even nicknamed him and mocked him in front of the nursing staff. And Turk! That's it. JD just needed to find Turk and Carla, and they could vouch for him that Dr Cox was fine before. Then Elliot would have to believe him, and they could all get on with finding out what was _really _wrong with their beloved leader.

JD took a right at the nurse's station and tried to act casual. He couldn't let them know that something was up yet, otherwise they wouldn't give a straight answer. Turk was there with Carla, as usual for five o clock on a Friday, doing their ritual kissing session and nose rubbing.

"Hey, guys..." JD's voice wobbled and he cursed inwardly for lack of control. Turk didn't seem to notice and Carla wasn't even looking in his direction, so all was good for now.

"S'up V-Bear?" Turk asked him.

"Ah, nothing. I've just got this p-patient in the ICU, got some, err, symptoms, there..." He needed to keep it together, he couldn't blow this. "...I was wondering if you could help me diagnose?"

"You know I don't know a thing about medical stuff, man." Turk shrugged. "Ask my lovely woman."

"Yeah, nurses know some stuff, y'know." Carla breathed. "C'mon, Bambi, spit it out. What's your patient presenting?"

"Erm..." He tried to think. He hadn't been listening properly whilst Elliot had been talking because of his intent staring into Dr Cox's soul. "Drowsiness, hypotension... um, I think balance loss... amnesia..."

"Anything else?" Carla inquired.

"Nausea?" JD half asked. "He also went into Cardiac Arrest but it was treated quickly so... everything's fine now, I guess. There were loads of other stuff I can't remember."

"Hmm, professional of you. Let's see," Carla nodded, whilst filing, and frowned. "Sounds to me like your patient overdosed on their meds."

"No!" JD shouted; several doctors and visitors turned to see what the fuss was all about. "No, Carla, you're wrong. He did not overdose, because he wouldn't do that! He's got nothing to overdose about, he's fine!"

"Do you mind not shouting at my woman?" Turk hissed. "Don't be so pissy with her just because she got something wrong, dude."

"Why are you so uptight about this anyway?" Carla complained, moving her head in the typical attitude-soaked tradition. "Is it someone you're close to?"

"Yes." He breathed, giving her a hard look. "Yeah, we're all pretty close to him."

And then cogs in Carla's brain clicked into place; the result of this was visible on her face as it dropped into a state of denial just like JD's. "Not him. JD?"

JD nodded. "I told you guys something was wrong with him."

"Who?" Turk moaned. "I'm not getting this!"

"It's Dr Cox, idiot!" Carla snapped at her incompetent husband. "Oh my God, Perry, why?"

"That's what I was thinking!" JD sighed.

"Well we've got to visit him now, right?" She looked about the place as if she'd lost something. The damage that this new information had caused was spreading further. "Come on, Turk, you too. He needs us right now, and we've got to be there for him."

"He's not awake yet," JD looked to the floor and began to fiddle with his scrubs top. "He's always so sleepy, Elliot says. I guess that's what happens when you... y-you..."

"He did not overdose on any medication." Carla butt in. "We can't go assuming these things. It must be a mistake, unfamiliar symptoms of something else, but not that. He wouldn't! We need to ask him when he wakes up, is all. He'll tell us the real problem, and then we can deal with it."

"Denial looks pretty on you two, really." Turk commented. "Dude, the guy is so messed up! Baby, I'm not fooling around, but I can see it, I really can. That guy hasn't exactly had the best childhood."

"That's behind him now!" Carla insisted. "Now, he has friends and a loving family – he has a son, Turk. You really think he would do that to Jack?"

"I don't know." Turk shrugged. "You won't agree with my so why don't you just go on and ask him."

"It's what we're gonna do." JD narrowed his eyes, suddenly feeling incredibly hostile towards Turk, this man who assumed that their friend would try to commit suicide. "Anyway, overdosing doesn't always point to... you know... the obvious. It could've been a mistake."

"It's not even to do with that, Bambi." Carla raised her brow. "Honestly guys, don't think the worst. Dr Cox would never do that to us."

**XXXXX**

All through the rest of the workday, JD couldn't stop thinking about what Carla had said. She was right, wasn't she? Dr Cox is a strong person and no matter what life throws at him, he bounces back. Or at least he tries to drink himself into an early grave, but that's different, he knows what he's doing then. Last time he got depressed, there was a reason too. This time, there's no reason and so there can't be any fatal thoughts involved. This idea was the only thing to keep JD sane whilst he waited for Elliot to page him. When she finally did, he was looking at an ex-ray of a torso with an intern.

"Damn it, perfect timing, Perry." He hissed, and broke off the annoying beeping sound. "Lonny, could you just... err, wait right here?"

"Why should I?" Lonny frowned.

"I've got to be somewhere! Try and figure this one out on your own."

"What if I figure it out before you get back?"

"Find Dr Wen and tell him!"

Interns could be so annoying; at this epiphany, JD thought about how irritating he must've been to Dr Cox during his internship. All of those times that he yelled and yet he never gave up on his favourite little protégée... the tears were welling up inside of JD and he knew that if he didn't stop remembering stuff soon, he'd be in bits. By the time he got to Cox's room, he was pretty sure he'd not be able to talk for fear of erupting into a pathetic breakdown. Elliot passed him on his way through.

"You're leaving?" He asked.

"You wanted to see him on his own, at least that's what I assumed." She shrugged, smiled and walked away. JD watched after her. He dared not turn to see the wide eyed man laying on the hospital bed. This was way too weird.

"Oh now, what the hell do you want, Marigold?" The unforgettable voice broke through the silence. JD looked to the floor, took a deep breath, and turned around.

**_I was thinking, as an added challenge, that whoever reviews this chapter will get their pennames hidden in the next one. I won't make them bold, so you can't just filter through it! You have to read carefully :D Until then, reviews make me happy! xxxNTxxx_**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3 time! I've decided to change the POV because I think it would be more interesting to hear this part of the story from a different perspective. I managed to fit all of your pennames into the chapter, you've just got to look out for them! And okay, so it wasn't just people who reviewed the last chapter, I put in everyone who reviewed the first one too... I couldn't help myself! I hope it's okay for you, and I hope that you enjoy this update. Thanks, xxxNTxxx_**

Perry Cox

The most painful thing about the scene before him was that he knew that as soon as he was alone with this kid, he would have no idea what to say that wasn't an insult; for some reason he felt sorry for the poor guy. From the look on his face, JD was devastated. Perry didn't know what he was supposed to do to make this moment more comfortable, so when Barbie left the room, he let his over active brain take over and the words came spilling out like poison darts. For the added touch of Coxian magic, he even included a girl's name that could also be taken as a type of flower. That had to be fruity enough.

"Now, what the hell are you doing here, Marigold?" He spat in his typical demeanour, not wanting his temporary status of melting health to be an issue between them. He had to let Newbie know that he was still in control, no matter what.

As JD spun around on his heels slowly, Perry noticed the deadened look in his protégée's eyes. The kid swallowed hard, let his bottom lip quiver and raised his hand as if he were about to speak – however, his throat gave a scratchy, dry sound and he resolved to feel his overly gelled hair. Perry stared at him, allowing only a slight raise of the eyebrow to be shown on his stony face.

"Were you going to say something there, Newbie?" He offered, and another noise fell from the back of JD's throat. Then, the idiot nodded and walked forward.

"Uh, I have a question to ask you," JD began, licking his lips nervously. "I just don't know how to ask it yet. You m-might have to give me a minute or two."

"So what, I just sit here and wait for you to talk?" Perry wondered aloud, before shrugging. "I suppose any silence shared between the two of us has to be better than when you do that annoying talking thing of yours. I should really soak up the moment."

"I understand why you're being so, err, grouchy." JD tried a hand at smiling but failed it miserably, sinking back into the awkwardness from before. "Carla wants to see you, I don't think she knows that you're awake though. I'm guessing she'll wanna know."

"And _I'm_ guessing seem as though a member of the nursing staff knows, everyone does?" Perry's face screwed up. "Figures."

"Not everyone," JD bit his lip. "No one's called Jordan yet."

"I should hope _nawt_!" A bubble of hatred rose inside of Perry's stomach and he felt himself lurch forward slightly at the very idea. "No one must tell her of this! I'll be outta here by tonight, looking at those vitals. I'm fine... right?"

"Actually, we can't release you till we've figured out what caused your... uh, failure." JD swallowed once again. "It's Elliot that knows everything, she's your doctor. Plus you have serious Hypotension, we can't allow you to leave until your blood pressure's been brought back to the normal levels."

"Barbie's my doctor?" Perry groaned a little. "That bimbo?"

"She saved your life," A hint of anger sprayed from this statement, to which Perry was impressed. So, Newbie has testicles after all? "I think you should at least be grateful."

"Whatever, just don't tell Jordan." He persisted. "If she finds out, she'll get all worked up and there's no need to be. Look at me, I'm fine. Plus, she'll end up bringing Jacky and he'll wonder why he's not here to see his favourite 'Peedi' and instead looking at the battered remains of his stupid father."

"Uh, 'Peedi'?" JD queried.

"He's four years old, genius." Perry explained. "He's hasn't quite mastered how to say the word Paediatrician. Can you blame him?"

"Not really, no..."

There was an odd silence to which Cox knew he had to cherish, but for some reason it felt uncomfortable and hostile. He knew that JD was angry with him. At some point, he was going to ask that obvious question that everyone would be dying to know about and by then, Perry wouldn't have a proper answer. What was he supposed to say to that? Still he couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for making everyone so worried – Dorian was shifty and nervous, constantly in Perry's peripheral vision much like those annoying eye floaters that never stay in the same place. He closed his eyes to make the guilt go away, but he could still hear the bumbling moron moving his feet about the place and the fact that he tried to ignore that made it feel all the more worse.

JD blinked a couple of times. "You want some fruit?"

"No."

"We got exotic stuff now. Kiwi's... Satsuma's..."

"I said _no_."

Silence again.

At long last, the silence was broken as the door swung open and Blondie entered the environment. She gave Perry a long hard look and shook her head at him, like she was disappointed. He snarled at her and sunk further into the bed, trying to ignore how scratchy it felt against his skin. She asked JD to go outside with her, leaving Perry alone. God, this was a nightmare. This wasn't supposed to happen.

And to think he did this to gain some sort of better life – or death – by making a hideous deal with the devil. He felt like Faust – and yes, he was definitely heading to oblivion.

**XXXXX**

John Dorian

Elliot had bustled JD out of the room and was holding the blood results close to her chest so that he couldn't even sneak a look. But from the look on her face, the news wasn't good, so JD held his breath until they were out in the hall and then looked at her expectantly. She sighed and double checked the chart.

"Benzodiazepine." She stated, gulping. JD saw her wait for him to register before continuing. "He... he did overdose. 5mg was found in his system – JD, most oral dosages are just 0.5mg daily! He wanted to do some serious damage. There's no way he could mistake that amount."

JD nodded along, feeling a numbness overcoming his entire body. His tongue felt like it was swelling so much that he was unable to talk, let alone mumble agreement. The medical proof was overwhelming, but he was determined to clear his mentor's name. Carla was adamant that Dr Cox wouldn't purposely overdose, so he had to keep his faith also.

"...maybe someone drugged him." He croaked. Elliot gave him a pitiful gaze. "Alright, so that's unlikely, I get it. But maybe it was just an accident! He's got a kid, right? Maybe Jack put some in his drink when he wasn't looking. You know what kids are like."

"Stop trying to convince yourself." Elliot snapped suddenly. "You think that just because you idealise him that he's some sort of perfect human being, be he isn't! Just accept the fact that he's mentally unstable and get on with your job. Go check on Mrs Zubaza. Remember her? She's one of your patients that you forgot about."

"Yeah..." He sniffed. "Can you, err, not tell Jordan about this? Dr Cox said she'll just freak out."

"With good reason." Elliot shook her head. "I'm not promising anything. Now go get on with your life and stop worrying about things."

**XXXXX**

Whilst taking care of his patient, JD's mind began to wonder. He thought carefully about the past few days, and how Dr Cox had been acting. And yet still he could not think of any tell tale signs that Perry had been any more unhappy than the norm. It was so agitating trying to figure out a guy who was so closed off from the rest of the world, that JD's heart felt like it might erupt into a million tiny pieces if he continued to do so. His patient seemed to notice his distance, as she tapped him on the arm repeatedly before he realized that she wanted him for something.

"I'm sorry, what is it?" He whispered, his voice not quite ready to show itself yet.

"You're a good doctor." She began. "I've had you for three days now so I know that. But something seems to be bothering you."

"I'm fine, Mrs Zubaza."

"Please. Call me Zara." She smiled.

JD tried to smile back, but his heart wasn't in it. He glanced over at the room where Dr Cox was being held and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to be by his side. He had to know the truth. Somehow, someway, he would get it out of him. Unthinkingly, JD dropped his patient's chart on the bed and began to move away. She called after him, but his mind muted it out. He could almost imagine Perry's breathing again, and how it called to him. He couldn't let this go. He walked straight into his room without warning and stormed towards his bed.

"What the hell are you doing to us, Per-Per?" He asked majestically, hoping that his confidence would result in the right kind of answer. However, Dr Cox seemed to frown at this and turned away. JD tried a different approach. He came towards the bed and sat on the end near his mentor's feet. "How are they treating this? I assume you know what's wrong by now."

"There's nothing they can really do." Dr Cox mused. "Gosh darn it, would you leave me alone? I did this to get away from you!"

"What?" JD exclaimed.

Dr Cox, wrong-footed, tried to back track with a shaky voice. "Uh, Blondie's put me on medical observation and is giving me supportive care until I recover."

"Y-you..." JD stammered. "B-because of me?"

"I said nothing." Dr Cox shrugged. "You're hearing things... right, Jodie?"

Taken aback, JD could not control his breathing. He tried to nod, but he felt a sickening feeling taking over his stomach and suddenly he felt the need to hurl. He lifted a 'one minute' finger and ran from the room, searching desperately for the toilets. As soon as he reached what he assumed to be the male urinals, he burst into a stall and barfed loudly. There was screaming as he had entered; mistakenly he'd chosen the girls bathrooms, but at this moment in time he did not care.

When he emerged from the toilets he knew that he couldn't go back to work. He couldn't go back to _him _either. What had he meant by 'to get away from you'? Was JD really that irritating that men would gladly top themselves in order to get some peace? And someone who he claimed to act like a father towards him – perhaps all those years of begging for love were like ticking time bombs; and finally it had gone off. This was too huge to keep down, and the sickly feeling never left his side. How the hell was he supposed to sleep tonight knowing that he almost killed a man?

Wondering aimlessly until he found a surface to lean against, JD found himself at the nurses' station again. This time, Ted was at the computer but had Nurse Tisdale helping him with how it worked. Carla was in busy-body mode, which meant that she was basically trying to forget about Dr Cox until she had a moment to go see him. There were no signs of Turk, but JD didn't really want to see him right now. He was to pissed off with how right he had been.

He had to get his mind off of things until he could breathe properly again. "What are you doing there, Ted?"

"Dr Kelso wanted me to order in some more scrubs because they keep getting stolen still," Ted explained in his sad voice. "They have to be cheaper than where we get them now. The only cheap place I could find was House of Scrubs dot com..."

"Um, sure," JD frowned. Okay, so that tiny conversation was still not enough to take his mind off of things. He turned to Carla, who seemed to be achieving such a goal pretty well.

"Hey," It was no use, the pain was evident in his voice.

"Bambi, what's wrong?" She sniffed it out immediately and stopped what she was doing to confront him.

"Uh..." He tried to gather his thoughts. He remembered his theory about Jack. "Has Izzy ever done something, like, accidentally put stress-relief tablets in Turk's drink, and then when he OD'd he tried to blame the first person he saw? By any chance?"

"No," Carla frowned. "And Turk said that he won't be telling Izzabella about tablets until she's at least 11. Why, has this got something to do with Dr Cox? It was an accident, wasn't it?"

"I don't think so," JD breathed out shakily and felt his head go faint. "I think he tried to kill himself... b-b-because of me..."

**_A/N: Before you say anything, I am aware that I spelt Isabella's name wrong. It was part of izzabella11's penname. Thanks! xxxNTxxx_**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Back! Where are those lovely reviews, peeps! I miss you all... short chapter! Majorly short! Too busy wining and dining after receiving my GCSE results... thanks y'all. xxxNTxxx_**

**_xxxNTxxx_**

Perry Cox

Stupid, stupid, stupid man. He was such a stupid man. How could he make an outburst like that? Could he not have held it in until the time was right? Or till he could properly explain his reasoning. He hadn't meant for JD to hear whatever it was he was trying to say like that. The timing was inappropriate, the words were idiotic and the temper was unnecessary. Things like that needed to be dealt with delicately; not like a torpedo on heat. But the kid kept bothering him, asking questions, poking his interests into a business that wasn't his. It was things like this that made Perry wish the drugs had worked. Or at least that stupid Dr Barbie hadn't stuck her oar in. Now JD was a mess, having just leapt from the room with a mouthful of yesterdays dinner, and there was no real reason why he should feel responsible for anything that had gone down recently – not completely, anyway. Just partially.

Perry was beginning to think that he had gone about this the wrong way when an angry face was pressed up against the window to his door and four white, raging knuckles were repeatedly banged against the glass in a furious and noisy way. It was Carla Espinosa, and she looked pissed. One hand was busy grabbing his attention whilst the other had hold of the scruff of JD's scrubs, who stood in the background with a certain emptiness in his eyes. Perry groaned – he couldn't deal with this now! Unfortunately, the Latina people are not one to hold back, and Carla came crashing through the door and marching towards his bed, dragging the poor Newbie around like a dog on a leash.

"What the hell are you doing?" She shouted at him, eyes pointed directly at his soul that she may take it if necessary. "First of all you defy all sanity by doing this to yourself, and then you go and pin the blame on Bambi? This is totally sick and I will not let you get away with this lightly."

"I did _nawt _pin the blame on Hayley," Perry began, "I just simply-"

"Oh he told me everything, so don't even try to defend yourself," She grated, apparently not giving him a hearing before punishment. "He told me that you tried to kill yourself because of him. Now, what in the name of God does that mean?"

The entire time, JD stood silently at the sidelines, awaiting the opportunity to throw up again; Perry could see it in his eyes. They just stared at the floor. He didn't even appear to be blinking.

"I wasn't going to lie to you okay, it was a moronic thing to do!" He snapped, trying to get the image of a broken Newbie out of his head. "But he kept talking at me, I didn't know what to say, or do, so I… I…"

"But why would you say something like that?" She half-whispered. "You could have said anything to shut him up. But you said that."

"Because, part of it, a tiny teeny part of it, is… well, is true." He croaked. There was no way she'd ever leave him alone now he's admitted that bombshell. At this, he heard JD whimper, and looked up to see a single tear slide down his cheek. Something in Perry's stomach tingled.

"Explain yourself." Carla's voice broke now, and she sat down. Her anger was wearing off and turning into concern.

"Where do I start? Everything's just blurring so much into one that my entire life seems like the darnedest reason to top myself right here right now – at least, that's what was going through my mind when I was taking my stress tablets. So yeah, I took a little more than I should. It made me feel a bit better, more relaxed. So I took more."

"You're stressed?" Carla asked. "Well, it's the job, isn't it? You have to blame the career choice."

"It's not just that," Perry frowned, feeling a headache coming on. "Listen, Carla, you've got to listen to me. People die – good people – under my control. I could stop it happening but sometimes I'm either too late or too blind. And that's why people die in my care. Some survive, but the stats are usually against that happening for me. I know I'm a good doctor – hell, I'm the best. But I can't go on like that without feeling some hint of regret. Y'see?"

"Then why shout at JD?" She glanced back at the poor guy, who was currently still in his staring contest but with shinier eyes. The tear had worked its way down to his chin and was resting there, waiting until its time would come to drip off the edge and into the unknown. Perry winced.

"Like I said, it's everything to do with my life." He tried to get through to his only friend in the world. "When I'm not saving lives, I'm surrounded by childish idiots, incompetent morons and happy-go-lucky guys who make me so jealous. I just can't stand that people like him can coast through life without any problem whereas I can hardly make it through one day. So yeah, I did this because of him, and I did this because of my overly demanding ex-wife, and I did this because I can't control my anger. You happy now?"

Carla shook her head, and let some tears of her own flow like tiny rivers against her dark skin. She reached out and touched Perry's hand if only for a moment, before standing to leave. She whispered something to JD and he nodded once, and then began to follow her out of the room. Perry didn't understand their sudden leaving, and groaned to himself.

"Don't go… please?"

Carla stopped and looked back. She shrugged slowly. "Why not? You look like you need to company."

JD was frozen behind her, apparently unable to move without her assistance.

"Newbie?" Perry sighed. "I'd like you to stay too, if you don't mind."

The kid didn't turn around at first, but eventually caved and came crawling back if only to stand in the corner and weep silently again. Perry didn't mind if he didn't speak, because the fact that he stayed was a good enough acceptation of an imaginary apology for him. And for the first time in what seemed forever, Perry found himself smiling.

_**Another chapter will be uploaded shortly. Until then, review, review, review! :)**_


	5. Chapter 5

**_Hey, sorry about the shortness of the last chapter but hopefully this one will make up for that. I've just been super busy lately! This may be slightly angst-ridden, and JD might be a little OOC, but things will pick up soon. Until then, Enjoy! xxxNTxxx_**

**_A/N: Italics – JD's thoughts_**

John Dorian

In the end, it was Elliot that broke the promise that JD had made. But for some reason, at this moment in time, he did not care very much whether or not Perry was upset. Yeah, he'd stayed with him when asked to, but only because there had seemed no other option that wouldn't just end up resulting in more vomit. So he had sat there in the room whilst Carla and Perry talked for a long time, feeling like a ghost; in the shadows, silent and dead. He didn't move for a full twenty minutes until Elliot came in and told them that the patient needed his rest. JD still did not speak when goodbyes were said. He didn't feel like he could actually speak without going dizzy anymore, the world was different, twisted and unwelcoming.

When he and Carla had abandoned their places, Elliot told them that she was going to inform Jordan. JD did nothing to prevent this, knowing full well that if she found out, Perry would be annoyed... and breaking that promise would hurt him. But what the hell, thought JD. He didn't much care about his so called protégée, so why should it work the other way round?

And that's when the guilt kicked in. The overwhelming sensation plummeted into his system and numbed his brain, tongue and eyes so that he could no longer think, speak or even see. The tiniest of things suddenly concerned him deeply, like the way in which Turk would cringe whenever he mentioned something remotely uninteresting, or the way that Carla didn't agree with some of the crazy ideas and fantasies that he would concoct in his mind. These things, which never bothered him before, suddenly played on him. After all, these things were probably part of what added up into a big ball of depression for Dr Cox, and inevitably ended in drug abuse. And, another thought that plagued his mind, was that perhaps the more he spoke and acted like a child, he would be killing his other friends too?

That's another reason why he could no longer talk.

For a while now, JD had been tracing his steps back to his patient, Mrs Zubaza, but at the pace of a snail. He was wondering why no one had told him to stop moping around when he accidentally and quite literally bumped into Dr Kelso, he returned the favour with a deadly glare.

"Watch where you're going, sonny!" He spat in his usual arrogantly angry splutter. Then, when he caught a glimpse of JD's hollow, empty stare and pale-white skin, he frowned further. "You look like you've seen a ghost, what the hell are you taking?"

"S..." The word would not come. JD blinked once and willed the power of speech. "S...s..."

"Well, go on then, spit it out," Kelso muttered, obviously losing what little patience he had. Luckily at this point, Carla cut between them and apologised quickly.

"JD's had a bit of a turn, sir," She began to explain. "You know about Dr Cox, right? Well, there was some unexpected and shocking news..."

"I don't much care for long stories, Nurse Turkilton, so make it quick," Kelso sighed. "I'm missing my weekly coupon-visit at the Japanese Massage Parlour."

"Erm, okay, well basically I really don't think that JD is fit for work right now," Carla persisted with her worries. JD looked up sharply at this, but couldn't find the urge to argue. He just let it go and dropped his head. Kelso's eyebrow shot up, so Carla added. "Unpaid time off, of course."

"Well," Kelso's rubbery face settled into a smug smile as he turned to JD. "I don't see why not, Sport. Take all the time you need!"

As he walked away with a slight skip in his step, Carla rolled her eyes and gripped JD by his shoulders, shaking him once violently to grab his attention and then staring into his now soulless eyes with a dagger-like pierce. "You have got to snap out of this, Bambi, it isn't healthy! Now, I know you don't want to say anything, but just listen to me. Perry will be out of here by tomorrow, but obviously he needs therapy. We are all going to help him through this so I need you to stop what you're doing right now."

JD battled with his dry throat. "But... he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, JD!" Her forehead creased in concentration. "He was just very angry and very depressed, and you were the first person he got to speak to before fully recovered from it all. Wrong place, wrong time. I know you're hurting but he needs us, now more than ever."

This seemed hardly fair to JD. He felt that anger in his stomach again, and the numb sensation was fading into the back of his mind, like an odd memory once lived. He lifted his arm, and felt a tingle throughout his veins. The anger felt pretty good, if he was honest with himself. He scratched his head, loving the alive-feeling that was flooded through him and literally growled.

"How can you just forgive him like that?" He croaked. "You were mad, like _really_ mad, earlier."

"I did it because, like I said, he needs us." She stoked his arm. "I know deep down that you care too, even if you can't see it. And before the day is over, I want you to show him that. He needs it. He cares more than he lets on, you know."

JD shook his head and pushed Carla away – he felt alive once again, so he felt more confident with his stroll around the ICU. Of course, the initial shock of everything had taken its toll over him and he still felt like his very presence was sending others into bouts of depression, but all-in-all he was far too angry with Carla and Perry to care. Hell, he didn't know what he was actually thinking! He was so confused... so very confused... but it felt good right now. It was good to feel the blood pumping around his body once again.

But he got the feeling that this was wrong. Was this how Perry felt whenever he got really angry with someone, like that time he trashed Franklin's Lab? Did he feel a sudden urge to feel alive? And after what had recently happened, JD didn't think he wanted to be like Perry anymore. No, he had changed his mind. He needed to think of something else and quick before the new-him took over completely.

_Hey, wasn't Turk supposed to be meeting me at the cafeteria in five minutes so that we can wear our specially designed 'Pork Chops' pants? Damn, I forgot my 'Chops' pair. Maybe he'll have forgotten? Oh no, I feel really bad now! How could I repay him... no, I don't think leprechauns exist so I can't steal their fortune for him... even though I know that it's his dream. Like my dream to own a real live unicorn! Wow, if I had a unicorn, I could ride it to work and show Dr Cox that... oh..._

And that thought looped right back into his system. He shuddered and looked over at Perry's room. Jordan was just rushing in with little Jack clinging to her hand. JD felt a pang of regret – he should have stopped Elliot from ringing her.

_No, you hate him now, right? You can't just decide to like him again! He hurt you really bad._

_Yeah, I know... but it's Dr Cox! I'll always be there for him no matter what..._

_But it's because of you and others like you that he's in this mess. Do you really think he wants to see you?_

_He did yesterday..._

_Maybe I should just stop arguing with my brain and listen to my heart..._

_I should go see him._

JD crept a hand round the door, pushed slightly and poked his head through, raising his eyebrows at the room. Perry looked completely volcanic, Jordan looked irate and Jack smiled at JD's appearance.

"Carol!" The child yelled with a chuckle. Jordan couldn't stop the slight smirk that appeared on her face, but Perry did not even blink. He was so very angry. JD nodded at Jack with a wince and exposed the rest of his body to the incredibly hostile environment.

"Carla said I should come see you?" He offer, and Perry's face softened a bit at the sound of his voice.

"DJ, get out." Jordan snapped. "I want to speak with him _alone."_

"No, no DJ, stay!" Dr Cox insisted. "Look, do we need to go through this again?"

"Again?" JD frowned and looked up at Jordan.

"We are, Per, so get used to it. Jack, why don't you go with DJ to see the nurses?" She pushed her son towards the unsuspecting babysitter. "Go on, moron, can't you see two adults having a private conversation here?"

"No we're not." Perry shrugged, and Jordan glared. JD shivered and grabbed Jack so that he could run out of there as soon as possible. He pulled at the small child's arm like a tug-toy all the way to the nurse's station without even looking to see if Jack was okay with this. _What? He's four, of course he's alright with this. My brain is so frazzled, I think I need an appletini. _

"Carla! Why is Jordan not surprised?" JD grabbled with the nurse. "She just walked in there, looking all upset, but when I got in there, she didn't look that bad at all! She gave me Jack and said something about talking to Dr Cox again... what does that even mean?"

"JD, you're acting crazy," Carla actually look frightened and for a moment, her eyes wide and mouth half open, lips pulled down. JD didn't understand why until he stopped to look at himself – he was holding onto her shoulders with both hands, tightly gripped her and had shook her a couple of times during his rant. He stared at his hands for a couple seconds. "Let go of me, JD. You're scaring me."

He did so, and looked to the floor. "I just didn't understand... wha-what's happening to me?"

"You're upset," She bit her lip. "But you've got to control your feelings, before you hurt someone. Before you hurt yourself."

_I nodded and gulped. I knew she was right, but still; there was something changing in me. I wasn't quite sure, but the events of today were just too much to handle at all by myself. And yet so far I had been handling it all by myself. It made me so angry! So... so frustrated! For once, felt myself stepping into Perry's shoes..._


	6. Chapter 6

**_Apologies for the grammar-beast last chapter – I had no idea there were so many mistakes until I re-read it on 'Live Preview' and obviously by then it was too late! I hope to have less in this update, but I'm sorry in advance if there are. I obviously have no idea how to type! Enjoy xxxNTxxx_**

John Dorian

Days went by like blurry nightmares, one after the other, time never ceasing, never pausing not even for a split second so that JD may take a breath before being pulled under once again. Granted, it had only been three days but the hours seemed like years in his mind; mainly because the attempt to reign in his emotions was far too stressful and dangerous than one might imagine. One minute, he felt just about satisfactory with his abilities as a doctor and a human being. But a single sentence or visual image could be the only thing to knock him from super-depressed to desperately-angry. Sometimes it was Turk – and this had to stop. He was drifting away from his bestest friend in the whole wide world! Impossible, but somehow true.

Today probably wouldn't be any better than the last three, with the only difference being that Perry was being allowed out and into the real world once again. This meant less chance of seeing him around the place and getting agitated. Still, the ideas were still plaguing JD's mind and no, they probably would never leave him be. Unless something super amazing happened, then no. Never.

JD was trying to get on with his job – you know, being a doctor – when Turk came over to him and lightly punched him on the arm in a playful manner. However, as he did so, the mechanicals in the bi-polar man's brain struck fiercely and he took this as a sign of aggression.

"What the hell?" He moaned, punching Turk back but in a much weaker aspect than to be hoped for.

"Dude, I only came over to say hi. Hi." Turk grinned and moved about on the spot awkwardly, but must've sensed that something wasn't right from the silence that he was rewarded with. "C'mon, Vanilla Bear! I'm your buddy. I haven't done anything wrong. Talk to me, man."

"I don't feel like talking." JD stared blankly and began to fill out a chart for the sleeping patient before him.

"This ain't right, man." Turk shook his head and scratched his chin. "There was a time when you could tell me everything that was bothering you, but now... you're just so distant. I tell you something, it scares me, JD, and I don't know what I can do to help out. I know you got some bad news, but-"

"Bad news?" A sense of shock filtered through JD's core and he spun round instantly to face his so called friend. "I was told that I caused almost-death! Let's see how you'd take that if, I dunno, Carla said that to you. You'd take it pretty hard, right?"

"Yeah, but Carla's my wife, that's different," Turk frowned. "Anyways, at least I've got you talking again."

JD guffawed and looked down at his chart once again, trying to ignore the stupid man hovering over him. Of course Dr Cox had hated it when he had done the exact same! He could see now how irritating the life of a mentor might be. Only this was different. At least in this instance, he could actually tell the guy where to get off without feeling guilty, as there was no need for him to be following him about in the first place!

"Get a life, Turk!" JD attempted a threat. "Uh, if you.. if you continue to annoy me I might have to, err, shove this pen so far up your ass that you'll, err... you'll be throwing up ink from now till next June!"

"Was that supposed to be a rant?" Turk raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Just because you feel bad doesn't mean you can imitate him. He can say ridiculous stuff all by himself, dude."

"Yeah but... he's not here to say it," JD bit his lip. "Someone has to."

"You will never be like him, you're too soft," Turk laughed and elbowed the now smiling Vanilla Bear. Unfortunately, Chocolate Bear had an unbelievably strong hold over whomever adopted him as a friend – and it was almost impossible to not forgive him any wrong doing.

However, this is what happened every day now. JD was angry, Turk would get the blunt edge of it, and then they would make up just in time for lunch in the cafeteria, where Elliot would say something with just the right mixture of insane and mundane that would send JD into another depressive spiral, which Carla would then try to fix but would not help at all as he still hated her from the other day. Ugh! Why must his life be stuck in such a rut all of a sudden! He needed an outlet.

Whilst thinking of what this outlet could possibly be, he found himself passing through the ICU and catching a glimpse of Perry being helped out of his bed by that furious ex-wife of his. He was finally going home.

Perry Cox

The coldness of the floor shook him for a second; who knew that three whole days in bed would results in that sort of reaction to the ground of all things? Another shocking concept was that his devilish ex-wife was helping him to stand, and now showing him to his wheel chair. He didn't like the idea of being wheeled around the place – it gave a sense of vulnerability, weakness. But apparently his blood levels were too iffy, and walking might cause failure, and he'd be right back on the bed again. As much as he knew this was correct, being the oh-so talented doctor he was, he also didn't enjoy the truth of it. Stupid blood levels. Stupid bastard. This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

Okay, so death was a bit extreme. He only realized this as he turned on his cell phone to check his messages and saw the picture of Jack as his screensaver and cringed. How could he have even thought of leaving his son behind? It was such a selfish notion. And he promised himself he would never think of doing it again.

That's what he said last year.

He shook his head and let an Orderly drive him down the hospital ramp and towards his car whilst Jordan lectured him about how damn idiotic he had been.

"... and for the last time, no, I do not care about whatever reason you had for doing it this time." She was saying. "Just stop it! You have a son. You need to be stronger than this!"

"Jordan... it's not that easy." He croaked. "You try doing my job and not letting it get to you. Remember when those three patients died, and it was all my fault for not checking the health of those damn organs?"

"You spiralled into depression, I remember." She huffed. "I had no one to speak to for days, i had to make friends with people at Jack's day care, for God's sake!"

"Well, boo-hoo." Perry sniffed. "See, I wanted to drink myself into an early grave – I wanted to numb the pain and punish myself for what I'd done. And it's the same as the last time, and this time. I just... I can't handle it anymore... I can't, I just can't."

Jordan opened the car door and helped him into the passenger seat. "I get it, you're depressed. Stop bringing your negative energy my way."

"You just don't understand," He looked down at his pathetic self. "I was damn sure it would work this time."

"It doesn't matter if you stab yourself, fall down the stairs or whatever." She spat. "Don't you realize how many people in that place care about you? But oh no, you're just too selfish to see past your own moronic demise. I pity you, I really do."

"Then what is this?" He shouted as she started up the engine. "What are we doing if you don't understand me?"

"I do." She snarled back. "But I've had enough of it. Remember last year at all, Per?"

Perry had no answer; a flashback ensued

~~~#~~~

_It wasn't anything too serious – at first. Just a young girl in need of a treatment for her heart valve. She was so sweet, pretty and still young enough to experience life to the full. She could get married, have kids and identify a career as yet. But this stupid hole in her heart was pulling her back – Perry couldn't bear to see her cry quietly at night sometimes. At least the medicine worked, if only or a few weeks. Then she would be back. She once told him that with something like this, it was difficult to have the time to search for a boyfriend._

_So, after another heart-wrenching episode, Perry decided that enough was enough. There was a surgery that she could get, either to fix up the hole in her heart or she could get a transplant. Perry gave the choice to her, and she asked him what he thought was best._

_"Transplant would take too long, with us having to actually find a donor first." He explained. "The best option for you right now would be to fix your old heart up."_

_"But I thought that the medicine helped me for now," She queried, face confused. "Wouldn't it be safer to just keep coming back every now and then?"_

_"If you take the surgery, you'll never have to come back again."_

_"That does sound good," She enthused. "What are the risks?"_

_"You're young, in shape." Perry shrugged. "I don't think I even need to go down that road."_

_As it turned out, he really did. She died on the operating table. The worst thing was, that he remembered how weary she had been. She had never really wanted the surgery, she had been pushed into by her doctor and now she was dead. Such a young age. She never even got the chance to have a boyfriend, get married, have kids or define her career. She only lived 24 years of her life. That was when Perry first had those demonic thoughts._

_He drank, for a long time. It didn't help. He went into the kitchen and reached for a knife. He wanted to cut a hole in his heart big enough to experience the pain of that girl. He wanted to pay her back for the terror he had caused. Luckily, just as he was about to plunge, Jordan walked in and stopped him. He let a single tear fall down his face as he crouched their on the floor, allowing her to embrace him and rock him back and forth. They stayed there was a long time before anything spoke._

_"Don't ever do that to me again."_

_"I... I won't."_

_It was a lie. All the while in the back of his mind, he thought about what had happened. And then, just a few days later, he gave a patient some medication that sent him into seizures and almost killed him if it weren't for the crash cart team. Perry stepped back a few paces and put his hands on his head, watching the doctors and nurses save the life of a patient he could have killed._

_That night, when he went home, he tried to gas himself by sitting in his car at night with a hose pipe leading the poisonous substance into the vehicle. He breathed it in, wanting to end up going into a seizure, so that he could feel the pain of his patient. He did not, however, as once again that She-Devil of an ex-wife, Jordan, burst into the middle of his plans. She shouted at him so much, that tears strained down her face and she began to hiccup. He saw her upset, and it made his heart break, so he promised, from the bottom of his soul, that never again would he put her through this._

_Never again._

~~~#~~~

"Yeah, I remember last year." He said quietly. "But it's... it's just too hard to keep that promise. You try working with a bunch of idiots that grate your nerves down to their very core and _then _keeping everyone in that damn hospital alive. Just try it!"

"No." She pouted, watching the road ahead. "I'm going to sit you on the bed and wrap you up with a quilt. You will touch no alcohol, you will only eat what I make you and you will not go into work until I say so. Got it?"

"Jesus Christ, it's like jail." He half smiled. At least he knew that she cared. "So... no whiskey?"

"No."

"No pizza?"

"No."

"And, just throwing it out there, no sex?"

"Have you seen your blood pressure recently? With someone like me, you wouldn't be able to handle it."

"Sure thing . Just checking."

She turned to him, taking her eyes from the road for the first time since they had set off, and gave him a deep stare. "You know I... well, err, this is awkward and frankly disgusting but... I love you."

"Love ya too, there, darlin'." He pretended to clink a glass to it. "Love ya too."


	7. Chapter 7

**_Here's another lovely chapter! This is basically so that JD can understand what's happening with Dr Cox and get to grips with the situation, plus some ever so slight father-son love. However, I didn't mean for this to go on for so long, it was meant to be a three-chapter spectacular, so the ending will be coming soon. Probably within the next couple of updates. Anyhoo, here it is and I hope you like ;) Enjoy! xxxNTxxx_**

John Dorian

_I feel like I should call him._

_Idiot, don't do that, he'll just reject you!_

_But what if he needs to talk to me? Carla thinks he does._

_No he does not. He hates you for telling Jordan on him. Amongst other things._

_Shut up Brain, I'm trying to listen to Heart, here!_

_Calling him won't work though._

_You're right. I'll go to his apartment instead._

And before Brain could argue any longer, Heart had won out and JD decided to close down his inner monologue for as long as it took for his work day to be over. After that, he couldn't help but begin to narrate his crappy day, and how guilty, upset (and somehow squidgy) he felt. He assumed that the guilt and sadness came from the whole Jordan thing and how heartbreaking the past few days had been. The squidgy part probably came in after the Janitor had pushed him over using a shield made of sponges but covered in dirty mop water, and then proceeded to clean his face with it. This over-thinking brought him back to his fierce feelings towards Perry and what he should do about it, and so began yet another Brain/Heart car crash argument that led him to almost-tears.

In the end, he did find himself pressing the doorbell of his mentor's apartment. His Brain asked him if he was crazy and his Heart simply skipped a beat, not helping at all in this situation. There was the sound of a sigh from within, and then heavy footsteps. Finally, the door swung open to reveal and clean-shaven, alcohol-free Perry Cox staring back at him with a blank expression. Although, there were bags under his eyes so he was clearly tired. JD had forgotten to see what time it was; by now there was no point in checking, as the answer was thrown into his face angrily.

"It. Is. Four. In. The. _Morning._" The older man emphasized each word perfectly in time to the younger man's over-excited heartbeat.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't think... my shift ended and I came s-straight here..." He tried a mumbled explanation.

"And ya didn't think to remember that you were on the night shift?" Perry brought his hand to his face and pulled it down so that the skin beneath his eyes stretched horrifically. He shrugged and shook his head. "Wasn't sleeping anyway. I couldn't."

He indicated for JD to enter his domain, to which the young man accepted, and glanced over at the long seater where a blanket was casually strewn across. He cringed. "You on the couch?"

"No, no." Perry half smiled breathed a laugh. "The Wicked Witch has me on suicide-watch. I was just... escaping the barbed wired claws whilst she sleeps."

"Huh," JD nodded dumbly and took a seat, avoiding the blanket narrowly. "Um, aren't you wondering why I'm here?"

"Guessed it was something to do with... you know," Perry took a seat now too and sighed for another umpteenth time. "So what is it, Pumpkin?"

"A few questions," The younger man licked his lips nervously and swallowed hard. "I over-heard you and Jordan talking before, and there was something mentioned about... err, this being a... reoccurrence? I just needed to know... why? How? And, you know, what?"

"Newbie, calm down, would ya?" Perry snapped and leaned back. "It's none of your damn business and... oh my dear Lord, I've lost the will to rant. When will the horror ever cease? I mean, sure, I can throw a few daggers here and there but it just ain't the same. Someone needs to be there to tell you that your hair is ridiculous and smells like girly perfume mixed with beets – probably from the high class meals they sell in that joke of a cafeteria . I mean, honestly, do they actually expect us to eat that crap?"

"That was kind of a rant," JD shrugged. "I still think you're in there somewhere, we just gotta wait for things to settle."

"Do you idiots not get it yet?" Perry dropped his head into his hands and took a deep breath. "This... will... never end. Not for me. Not until... not until I can feel sure about myself. It's been a year or so now, and I still can't shake it outta my thick skull."

"Over a year? You've had these thoughts for that long?"

"Don't know why I'm talking to you about this, get out." He pointed to the door with one hand, his head still embraced by the other.

"No, I want to know what's been going on." JD frowned. "I'm not stupid – I get that you've tried doing stuff like this before. I just don't get why. Do you not remember that whole speech I said about you being like a super hero to me? Remember? After those patients died?"

"Yes!" Perry hissed. "Of course I remember it! My God, Julia, you just take and you take from me! What do I get in return?"

JD stuck out his bottom lip as he thought hard about this one. "...a warm fuzzy feeling...?"

"Jesus!" Perry shouted now, a low bark that made JD shiver and jump from his seat. He stayed very still as Perry stood up and wandered over to the bar area where the alcohol was stored. But he did not open a single bottle, no; he finger the neck of a particular liquor and his eyebrows furrowed as if he was in pain. He then used both of his hands to lean his entire bodyweight against the wooden surface of the bar and began to speak again in a calmer tone. "I never asked to be a super hero."

JD didn't know whether he should move or not so he kept up his statue-like stance and gulped. "I know, I'm sorry. I just... I just gravitated to you. I don't know why."

There was a slight silence before JD spoke again. "So... was it really to get away from me?"

Perry winced at this. "It was a generalisation. I didn't mean you personally. I meant you lot. Can't you understand that?"

"I guess so..."

"It's... it's pressure." Perry croaked. He still did not turn around. "It's too much pressure – to please everyone... I-I can't do that. I'm just one man."

"I don't think you really please that many people," JD scrutinized. "In fact, you're really mean. You yell at the interns, and Dr Kelso, and definitely at me. It's not like you're trying to please people at all!"

"I didn't say I did it successfully," He turned his head momentarily so that his eyebrows could emphasize his point. "I just need a break from all of... this! Being me. A doctor, a father, a partner, a mentor, everything you can freakin' name, I'm it."

"I don't think you need to stress yourself out about some of those things..." JD felt the guilt pounding against his side, and he suddenly realized why he may have been to fault after all. "If you hate me shadowing you so much, I could... lay off, for a while."

Perry laughed, or was it a cough? He then moved towards the front door and opened it slowly. He swung an arm forward into the frame and the corridor beyond. "This is when you leave, Newbie."

JD nodded once, just grateful for the opportunity and scurried through the hole in the wall only to turn around and grasp Perry close, pushing him into the bear-hug without any permission. He didn't care of the consequences; he just needed the closeness. He crushed his mentor close to his chest, not wanting to let go but resisting the urge to tell him what he thought he smelt like – now wasn't the time! He had to savour this until...

"Shelly, _get off of me_!" Came the angry reply to the spontaneous hug. JD immediately let go and took a step back, sheepishly. Perry was glaring at him. "What the hell? Ruined a perfectly good moment, now get the hell out of my face!"

The door was slammed shut, shaking the walls like an old TV set and shattering JD's chances of diving back in to apologise for his inappropriateness. But he was glad that he eventually did go to Dr Cox's place. He got a better view of what was going off in his abnormally aggressive mind. And at least now he knew what kinds of things he could do to help prevent further suicidal thoughts. The only problem now was how to rescue Perry from himself?

Perry Cox

When the door was shut, he rested his forehead against it and clenched his fists. Why did the feel of human contact distress him so? Especially in a situation like this where all Newbie had wanted to do was help. The conversation might have even stretched to a couple of hours if that dumb idiot hadn't mentioned the whole mentoring thing. That was what cut the event short. The thought of JD not being there to shadow him anymore scared him slightly. It was the only normal thing that still felt real right now.

There was a noise from elsewhere in the apartment and he tensed up further. Two hands sneaked around his waist and squeezed his stomach so that a slight moan escaped his lips. He turned to find Jordan cradling him like she had all not time ago, a glint in her eye.

"You were speaking to someone." She stated blandly.

"Yeah, uh... Mindy came over," He explained. "He had a few questions."

"What, DJ? It's four in the morning. Ish."

"Yeah, I said that."

"Come back to bed," Jordan coaxed. "You're not well."

"I'm perfectly fine." Perry growled. "For God's sakes Jordan, get a grip. Now, I'm going back to work tomorrow and you can't stop me."

"Fine, that's up to you," She narrowed her eyes. "But I've seen this twice before, and both times it ended in disaster. What's so different this time round?"

Perry sighed and looked down. _Newbie._


	8. Chapter 8

**_Yay, the next chapter! It took me a while due to a couple of things. Firstly, sixth form = stress! There is so much damn coursework, homework and generally business, it's tiring me out! By the time I get to my laptop, I can only be bothered to write a few lines at a time. So that's one reason. The second reason is that my laptop did actually die for two days, which was even more frustrating as there was important stuff on there! But fortunately everything stayed as it was and I'm finally back with this update. Enjoy! xxxNTxxx_**

John Dorian

_Dr Cox has been back at Sacred Heart for a few weeks now and although the skin-deep normalities are still strong, I can tell that there is something hanging unanswered in the air. I wonder if he's still a bit depressed? I should try to hug him again, but that only made him mad last time. He seems okay-ish. Shouting at Doug, challenging Dr Kelso, making Elliot cry... everything on the list has been checked. So why does this feel superficial? I need to spy on him, or at the very least talk to him. _

JD was doing the final check-up of a patient and was about to tell them that they were free to go when he saw Dr Cox storming past him in typical angry-fashion and saw an opportunity to dig for information. He broke into a similar stride to keep up with his mentor down the corridor and beamed a smile up at him, hoping the slight brightness would cheer up his dismal day. This politeness was met with a firm growl and fist clenching.

"Newbie, if you don't get the hell outta my way in less than ten seconds I _will _be forced to make your miserable life even more miserable, and yes I know how impossible that sounds but you know me, I do like a good challenge and I will _nawt _let you down – it will start with a series of pager requests, simple at first but gradually getting bigger and bigger until, oh, I don't know, your head explodes?"

"Just thought you'd like a friend," JD pushed. "You know. I'm here."

"What in the hell...?" Dr Cox snarled, stopping in his tracks to face his annoyance.

"Ab-b-because of all that stuff before?" JD stammered, feeling the dart-precise burn of Perry's deadly glare piercing his own beautiful blues like assassins.

"Agh!" Dr Cox moaned, turning on his heels and continuing his quest down the hall. JD skipped to keep up again. "That was over and done with a long time ago, Natasha, so leave me be."

"I know, it's been a while-"

"And I was _so-ho _happy that you hadn't mentioned it."

"-but I can tell there's something still bothering you and as your colleague, no, as your friend, I feel it is my duty to explore that."

Dr Cox stared him out for a couple of seconds. "You're such a girl."

"Granted," JD frowned. "But my point still stands."

"Montoya, I swear, if you don't move away from me soon!"

"Please, Dr Cox, let me in!" JD whispered as they passed the nurse's station of the fourth floor. Carla wasn't there. She was on the front desk today, which was a damn shame, because if she were here, JD would've used her to break Perry. He sighed. "Please?"

Cox grunted once more, and JD took that as a no.

Later on, JD realised that he hadn't seen or heard from his beloved mentor in a long while. He searched and searched throughout the ICU, A&E, even in Paediatrics just in case. However there was no sign of Dr Cox whatsoever in any of the places he looked. The more frustrating thing was that he didn't want to ask anyone for help in case they tagged along too – and you know that Carla would – because for some reason JD still wanted to save his father figure from hell. There was still something wrong, and damn it, he was going to sort it out! It was in his nature.

Eventually he ran out of ideas. He found himself near a stairwell, watching Doug trying to act cool with his red lollipop as a nurse went by. She shook her head in disgust and ignored him completely, to which he grinned and nodded, as if that was some kind of good thing. JD shuddered and walked over, no longer able to keep up the 'no-help' policy.

"Have you seen Dr Cox?" He asked, and Doug became nervous-guy once again. His bottom lip quavered and he dropped his candy onto the floor so that he could fiddle with the bottom of his scrubs top.

"Y-yes, Dr Dorian." He answered "He went to the roof."

"The roof?" JD practically screamed. "Dear God man! That guy just had a suicidal few weeks, couldn't you have stopped him or something?"

Doug murmured in his fear and JD pushed past him so that he could scale the stairwell, two steps at a time. His heart pounded, almost bursting from behind his chest with an almighty sound that he was sure everyone else could probably hear too. He didn't know whether to shout, scream, or just steadily walk towards the door to the roof when he approached it, and everything was flying by way too quickly for him to stop and listen to his brain and heart arguing again. Why. Why would Perry do this again? He promised Jordan that it was over, once and for all. He promised. For Jack's sake.

The hurt and betrayal over-whelmed JD's sensitivity, so that when he finally made the choice to simply just burst through the door and run towards Perry as the stupid older man teetered over the edge, all he could shout was this:

"How could you be so selfish, you bastard!"

The sudden company obviously knocked Dr Cox for six and he leaned back in surprise, falling onto more of the roof and away from the edge. JD stood still a few metres away from him, breathing so heavy that it was visible through his chest and eyes angrily darted at his mentor. His usually happy lips were twisted into the form of a snarl and his fists were clenched. Perry looked taken-aback by this angry-Newbie, and frowned and endless frown at him.

"What are you doing up here?" He barked at his protégée as if that really was the topic of this discussion.

"Doug told me you were on the roof." JD forced through gritted teeth. "I thought you were better than this. I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"Look, Scarlet, it's not what it looks like..."

"Oh, so you're just admiring the view?"

Perry shook his head and glanced back at the ledge. "Well, no."

JD began to shake his head also, but hard and fast so that his balance was almost thrown out of control and a strange sickness came over him. "Have you got any idea what you put me through, Per? First of all there was that horrible devastation when I found out that you might die. Then there was that gut-wrenching moment when it was pronounced as suicide! You know I didn't want to believe that? I went through so much to prove Elliot wrong, but I guess it wasn't any use." He sucked in a breath. "And then came the depression. The agony. When I thought that it was all over. When I was made to believe that all of this was _my _fault."

"We've been through his Newbie-"

"Don't call me Newbie!" JD screeched, once again surprising Perry so much that his frown turned into an open-mouthed expression of shock. "I'm sick of being the one to pick up the pieces, try to fit them together so that they spell 'good mentor' but frankly, it's not working out for me. Not anymore. I really thought we'd gotten somewhere. I really thought you were happy."

"I love the sympathy I'm getting over here," Dr Cox growled. "I've told you I'm not exactly happy, why can't you just leave me be?"

"Now there's a question." JD was practically crying now, fighting back the tears with his new macho demeanour. "I'm so mad at you right now, I could just leave you be and let you fall to your death. It might just be the right thing to do. But why can't I do that, Perry?"

The older man shrugged at the rhetorical question – of course he knew the answer. Everyone did.

"Because I care!" The younger man concluded his rant, falling to his knees and putting his head in his hands. He was so tired. He just wanted all of this to stop. He let the tear run thick and fast as his fingers grabbed at his hair, willing it to fall out in the stress of the situation. He could not handle this! Patients who want to kill themselves? Easy! But someone was complicated and idolized as that man right over there? How the hell could anyone cope?

He didn't stop rocking on the spot until his mind clicked into place and he realized that everything had gone way too silent. He snapped his neck up to see what was happening, and sighed in relief to see that Perry was still not splattered on the ground. His so-called 'mentor' was looking over the edge and grimacing, but not falling. He had a cell phone in his hand. He was crushing it, almost. JD knew why – Jack was his screensaver, and the poor guy was contemplating whether or not his existence in the world would really effect anyone at all.

"He wouldn't remember me, would he?" Dr Cox suddenly croaked. "It would be like I never even lived."

"That's not true," JD gasped. "I would remember. Jordan would remember. Carla, Elliot and Turk would remember. Your patients would remember. And we would never, ever let Jack forget. You've touched so many people's lives."

"And killed thousands more," He pointed out. "I hate this life."

"Then quit the job, don't kill yourself!" JD rolled his eyes. "Oh my God, you call me over-dramatic."

"It's not just that, it really isn't." Perry shook his head slowly. "It's hard to describe. My whole life has been craptastical. I'd rather just... not be in it."

JD closed his eyes to try and squeeze out that thought. But when he opened them again, Perry's foot was hanging over the edge, and his eyes were, too, closed.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Final chapter guys – and it's not an easy one. Not much else I can say, 'cept it's been a blast! Enjoy, xxxNTxxx_**

John Dorian

He stayed crouched on the floor, allowing the confusingly blunt scene in front of him soak in completely before shaking his head in disbelief. He stood and walked over to where Dr Cox was teetering over the edge, one foot on the roof and the over hanging over the edge. He didn't want to speak in case his 'annoying' voice spurred the demons in Perry's head to go forward with the plan. He just stared and waited. He waited for two minutes before anyone spoke.

"It would be easy." Dr Cox whispered. "Just to let myself fall. Everything would be over then. The pain, the upset... the torture. All gone in an instant. But I can't do it."

"You're stronger than this." JD reasoned. "Please, just come down."

"I can't do that either,"

JD's mind desperately searched for the answer, the write words to bring back his mentor, his father figure – his friend. He just needed the right argument, something he could fight with, something that would help in any way to make Perry see sense. That's when his eyes drifted towards the half-crushed cell that had now been dropped onto the gravelled ground. He saw the cracked picture of a little boy, grinning madly at the person who had taken the photo. Then, JD knew what it say.

"What about Jack?"

These three simple words made Perry's foot retract slightly, and he blinked a couple of times to allow a single tear to roll down his cheek. He looked back at JD with such forlorn, and slowly began to hiccup. It was so heartbreakingly surreal that his protégée had to put a hand over his mouth to stop the whimper escaping his lips. And then, something amazing happened. Something totally out of the ordinary.

"You're right," Dr Cox nodded, and spun around slowly so that he was now facing the rest of the roof with his back to the drop. His heels still wobbled knowingly against the edge but he was definitely leaning towards safer places. JD felt the smile grow on his face.

"Yes, yes, come on," He encouraged, nodding his head backwards, indicating where he would like his mentor to go. Back downstairs. To get on with his job, his life.

Dr Cox smiled too, contradicting to the tears that were becoming quicker. And then, he snarled, in good old Perry style and growled deeply from his throat. "You better not tell a soul about his Newbie or so help me God I will throw you from this building right here, right now."

"You got it," JD smirked. "I pinky promise."

"God damn it..." Perry looked down, rolling his eyes. He gulped at the edge and shook his head one more time. But that's when something strange happened.

He moved his left foot forward, but his right foot scraped against the gravel and slipped slightly until it was no longer touching ground. It fell towards the drop, and gravity began to pull his body down so that his other knee crumpled under the pressure and his arms flew up over his head in shock. The left foot finally gave in, lifting as his body fell down so that he was almost doing the splits. The edge was suddenly above him, and JD watched in horror as his fingers scraped along the roof, trying to grab a strong hold. At this instant, JD lunged forward to try and grab a hand but by the time he had run over, Perry had lost grip and was tumbling towards the ground.

~~~#~~~

After the funeral, Jordan did not want to speak to anyone. She dragged confused Jack from the hall and left in a hurry, scared that her tears and emotion would be spotted, scared that someone might actually want to hold her hand. She was so damn angry that he had actually gone through with it, leaving her tired and alone with their child.

Turk held Carla close as she sobbed softly, nose deep in a soggy tissue. She had never been believed for a second that her best friend in that hospital would actually do something like this, something so selfish. She had tried to convince herself that it was all just a bad dream. Turk couldn't believe it either; that guy had seemed solid. Like nothing could penetrate his demeanour.

Elliot sniffed loudly and blew her nose, remembering that day when they had first found him out cold on the cafeteria table. Even then she hadn't believed him capable of self-harm. She had looked after him, treated him and advised him – all for nothing, it seemed.

JD knew the truth, and he repeated this in his head all the way through the service and as he made his way out of the hall, taking a look back at the photo of Perry Cox above the coffin. He knew the truth. No one believed that Perry would actually kill himself, and JD tried to explain that he hadn't! It had been an accident, surely, with the foot slipping and gravity taking over. It was all just an accident. But the more he replayed the memory in his head, the more he remembered tiny things.

Perry's smirk as his foot overbalanced. The way he seemed to let go of the edge instead of waiting for help.

No, JD would think. No. And then he repeat once more, just for his own sanity's sake, and for the sake of his own safety: it was an accident.

It was an accident.

**_And that's it! Short, I know, but I needed to finish it. I hope you don't feel like it's too rushed, I did re-type this many times with all sorts of different endings, and I thought this was the best. Don't hate me! And thanks for sticking through it! Reviews always appreciated. :) xxxNTxxx_**


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